Why I might be OK with having children
If you haven’t read my previous post about my issues with mamahood, then go for it so you can get an idea of how serious I’ve been about not wanting kids. My sentiments are also echoed here and here [hat tip: Penelope Trunk; TwentySet]. Now, bear in my mind that the decision I’m scrutinizing is my own, and not the decision of whether or not to have kids in the empirical sense.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about this lately, primarily because (of course) it is an issue in my fledgling relationship. Granted, we’ve both agreed that it’s not an immediate issue, but he would like to have at least one child with whomever he marries. It’s no secret that I’m crazy about the man, but I’m not willing to agree to children just because that’s what he wants.
We have had a lot of conversations about it though, and it’s got me thinking about it on my own. As I began to examine my issues with having kids, talking about it openly and honestly with friends of differing ages, marital and child status, and watching people with kids more closely, I started to realize how close-minded I’ve been.
I began to realize that my problem is not with actually having kids, but that they become an end in themselves and not a side effect of living the life I’d like.
A few things happened leading up to this realization. One, I’ve been talking with a mentor of mine who is 50 and has the coolest relationship with her daughter I’ve ever seen. I have no qualms being totally open and honest with her, even with the ugliest parts of myself. She pointblank told me one afternoon that I was being close-minded when it came to my thinking regarding family life. I realized that I was assigning arbitrary labels to people and making assumptions about their lives based upon that. Married, divorced, middle-aged, overweight, with or without kids, single, thin, etc. Does the label make the experience of the life?
Somewhere around that same time I was leaving Date #4’s house, and an early-thirties-ish couple walked by with a stroller and a grandparent in tow. They were just taking a Fourth of July stroll after a fresh rain, chatting and such. “That’s probably the best thing that could ever happen to me,” was the unwelcome thought that popped into my head. Whoa. Where’d that come from?
On my drive home, I rolled it around in my head and realized the truth of it. I’ve seen a lot of families that are happy, in which the parents continue to live dreams independent of their children. While their families greatly enhance their happiness, their kids are supplemental to the happiness that they already experience in life. They are not, and never did, expect children to be the main source of their happiness in life. They are simply one of the aspects of their life that they derive joy out of.
I have been watching a few families in my life since I began to seriously evaluate this issue. One is a young couple who have probably the cutest baby girl I’ve ever seen. I’ve said before that if I could insure that a child of mine would come out that cute, happy and well-mannered, I’d have kids without a doubt. The thing is that I watch the parents, too. They’re happy, and appear to be very much in love. I’m not close to them, and so they may have more problems than I’m aware, but they seem like fairly transparent people. I see them together, separate, and with their families. I won’t lie – there is a part of me that craves a normal family life because of the dysfunctional part of mine. They are always friendly and seem to possess a sense of peace about their lives.
I also watch my older female mentor and her family closely. She’s been a single mom for a long time, and her daughter is a well-adjusted, intelligent young woman. She has self-confidence at 13 that I still wish I had. The openness and frankness with which they deal with the little and big things in their lives is truly inspiring to me. It gives me goose bumps. That family probably has the most irreverent sense of humor I’ve been privy to and they have a lot of fun in their lives. It’s clear that they simply enjoy the ride.
Finally, I watch the families that make me not want kids. In doing so, I’ve come to realize that the thing that bothers me is not that they have children, but what their intentions or preconceived notions were in doing so. They all have a few things in common for the most part. One is that they had their children too young and/or too soon into a relationship/marriage. I’ve watched people have kids and treat them as accessories, and I’ve seen people have kids because they wanted something to love. They were trying to fill a hole that remains unfilled. And now they have kids to take care of when they didn’t know how to take care of themselves in the first place. (Side note: I was in the ER with my grandmother last night and a 17-year-old came in with impacted bowels, i.e. constipation. Her second birth and she didn’t realize that she should’ve been drinking lots of water, eating fiber, and probably shouldn’t have waited a week to tell the doctors she hadn’t had a bowel movement. If you can’t take care of yourself, how will you raise a child?)
I guess my point is that as Gen-Y women we’ve been told that “having it all” is a myth. That makes me feel like I have to choose between my career and having a child. It’s saying that I won’t be able to do both. While I know that to some extent one suffers at the hands of the other, I’ve been watching this young couple juggle a baby and a new business successfully. By successful, I mean that the baby is clearly happy and well cared for, the business is doing very well, and they both seem extremely happy and still in love, though at times admittedly tired.
It gives me hope. Perhaps I can live life happily without any sacrifices.
Best of luck! It’s a complicated decision. The BF and I don’t want kids, so we totally get your struggle.
Well, it’s interesting. I knew I wanted kids from a young age, however, I wasn’t sure about the whole “marriage and lifetime with one person” thing (don’t ask), so when my wife and I met, that was one thing that I made sure we were in agreement on as things got serious. Certain things can be compromised, however, that wasn’t one of them for me.
I grew up with an amazing family, and I thought that it would be a shame not to pass that along. I love being a Dad.
You know, for me the most important thing is to try to live the most authentic life you can – being real and true to your values. If you do that – with or without kids – you’ll have a great life.
And, you know – alot of this decision is about being able to live with and embrace uncertainty. In other areas of our lives, we have a great deal of control. If there is a job we want to do, we find out what the qualifications and experienced needed, go out, get it. But, we have no idea what our kids are going to be like – if we have them. We don’t know what kind of parents we’ll be, how having children would change our relationship, how we’ll cope with having children and having a professional life.
That’s why its so scary – there is no dress rehersal!!
Having a kid is a very difficult decision because it gets much harder to work 12 hour days and still have time to dedicate to your child.
I guess for me its a question of priorities. I don’t center my life around my career because its not fulfilling enough for me. My wife and baby make my life feel much more full. I still enjoy doing IT and my job but like coming home and having time to spend with my family. Its great to just sit in my chair with my daughter and watch her play with her blocks and tumble on the floor right now. She is just passing the 8 month old mark and is just so cute. It makes the getting up at 3am because she woke up worth it. As for being happy and such. I will never be happy with the amount of money I make or the possessions that i want. I have yet to meet anyone that isn’t asking for more money or something else they have to have in their life.
As for your decision and such… good luck on it. Remember that right now you can pretty much do what you need when you need it. Having a kid will change that. You will have to spend time with the child and get up at 3am when the baby wakes up. I would talk to your friends that have the baby and the budding business and get a feel for how they are handling things. Maybe they can shed more light on this subject. Having a child will change your life. The question is if you will accept the change or keep trying to maintain your current path.
I didn’t have a maternal bone in my body all through my twenties and into my thirties. I just didn’t think I could be a ‘good mother’ and felt I was quite selfish and so didn’t want to bring a child into this world without feeling I could offer it all the love it deserved. I told everyone, including my husband, that babies just weren’t on the cards and that was that.
Then I reached 34 and it all changed. I have no idea why.
Now I have two children and I wish I hadn’t thought so much about it and just got on with it! you can talk to as many people as you like, ask them their thoughts and what it’s like to be a parent, but nothing, nothing can prepare you for it. It is so amazing and so desperately difficult at the same time, but you actually don’t mind waking up at 3am to feed that little bundle and you don’t mind being puked on and weed on!
Go figure!
Holly – I love this post. I agree wholeheartedly that we’ve been told we can’t have kids and a career, and that’s not entirely true. Also, I read an interesting article on the topic of how children are treated in recent times, i.e., like royalty, and perhaps this is too much emphasis.
http://www.weeklystandard.com/Content/Public/Articles/000/000/015/161yutrk.asp
It’s a long read, but well done. I think you’ll like it, and hopefully find a bit of affirmation in your thoughts.
Wow, what an interesting analysis of mamahood (I had to use it).
I don’t want to have kids, and if I rationally think about it, I have to admit that it’s because I don’t want my mother’s life.
She dedicated herself to my siblings and I. I want to be free to dedicate that kind of time to myself.
People tell me all the time that I’d make a wonderful mom, and I smile and shake my head because I know it’s not for me. But who knows, I’ve been known to change my mind.
Kudos to you for being willing to step outside of your comfort zone
and think about something in a different way.
I want kids and shite load of them. But I am deluded to think that i can continue living my way just the way it was before i had them.
Now accepting this has made the decision harder, because not only does it change the relaitonship with your husband/partner, but with your family and with yourself.
But for me i think having kids is like, one of those experiences that i can’t bear to miss out on this life.
Its not that i would have an incomplete life without. I’m sure that it would just be fine. I just think that my life would be a richer experience if i did have them.
But its great to hear that you are having a more open mind about kids. I’ll remind you of this post if in a couple of years you have a little toddler running circles around you =)
Oh yes, that message that we women cannot have it all – well, I hate it. I bothers me to think that I have to choose one or the other – my future child or career. It bothers me to think that if I succeed professionally and then have a kid, it will be as if I will become “that” woman and that my professional success will be a downward spiral unless I have 10 nannies and a stay-at-home husband. Maybe it is the harsh reality, and I am just to young to understand it.
I don’t think people decide not to have childred because of money or, I don’t know, global warming. It’s a personal and serious decision. And, if you are planning out having a kid (as opposed to having a suprise), then when you get the green light, everything will be crystal clear.
You know, another thought of mine is that I sometimes feel cheated. We learn to live one way, but we are never prepared for the next stage in our lives. We go to school, enter the work world, and, guess what, we know nothing because we don’t have that work experience. You have the credentials, but all they are are door openers, but in essence you are not a professional entering a professional world. Then we work, we live on our own, become independent… but life with a spouse is so different – NOTHING like living by yourself independently. Same with kids, having them and taking care of them is nothing like living with your spouse. That’s why for us gen Y women it is so hard to visualize having kids and the first reaction is a “no” and we listen to internal urges to analyze what having kids means to us. The first question is “how can I remain myself?”
I know I want to have kids. I just don’t know how it will happen. I tell myself there is plenty of time. I just want to be firm on my both two feet to be a good parent later. And that usually implies satisfying that internal “me, me, me”.
“It gives me hope. Perhaps I can live life happily without any sacrifices.”
Doubtful. No sacrifices? Not possible. Life is full of trade-offs. We take this job instead of that one, we do schooling instead of traveling (or vice versa), we commit to a relationship for the joy of love giving up on the freedom to keep exploring, etc.
Children, are a lot of work, and a joy to birth, raise, and know. When I’m 80 years old (or 60?) I hope I’ll be glad I spent a few years without sleeping through the night. Mostly, however, I think they are a biologic urge, that is difficult not to fufill. There’s simply magic in an infant’s smile.
Sometimes, I ask myself “what was I thinking?” It’s hard to say. I don’t think the decision to parent is entirely a logical one. Planning helps, single parenting is surely more difficult (at best), extended family makes it better for everyone involved.
Still, while knowing yourself is vital to clarity, no one is an island. Raising kids, within a village (or community), can be a wild ride with a lot of love. Is it worth it? I suppose every person has to decide for themselves. For some, they don’t feel complete unless they’ve raised a child, for others it was something they were willing to do. At 20, I was like “no way.” At 35, it was “it’s now or never, and I sure don’t want to end my life wishing I had….” Now, at 45, I am amazed things worked out as well as they did, and grateful, too.
Best wishes.
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