A schedule monger no longer
When I was in high school and college, I did not doodle fruitlessly as so many other students did. Well, I did that too, but I what I really loved was making schedules of my to-do lists. Take your typical to-do list, put it on steroids and map it across the hours. I made to-do schedules for the rest of the day (drawn up in quarter-hours and containing items like “eat dinner” and “read Being and Time pgs 48-101) all the way up to the month, semester, even year (divided up by months and containing items like “graduate” and “find job”).
It soothed me. When I got my new job (15 months ago now) and started my various other jobs, meetings, dating, etc. I bought a good old paper day tracker and carried it with me everywhere. It’s pretty cool to look back to a year ago and see what I was doing then. It is way more detailed than my memory.
Lately, though, my schedule-making hasn’t been soothing me.
Ever since Date #4 and I became exclusive, the art of scheduling has started to elude me. Some of you might say this is a good thing, that being so scheduled is being too rigorous and well, uptight. Date #4 is not a plans kind of guy, which does get under my skin a bit. I don’t think either of us is right or wrong, like I might’ve believed in the past (pre-sobriety); it’s just a difference in the way we live our lives. The cool thing is that he recognizes it and understands me. The other morning, for example, I asked if he was staying over later that night. He wasn’t sure. Around lunch, he still didn’t know: “I know you don’t like not knowing, but I’m still not sure yet.” I was OK with that. I merely wanted to know whether or not I should go ahead and fix dinner for myself.
So, part of the problem is that since Date #4’s plans are never settled, I don’t feel settled. If it were up to me, I would have everything through this weekend planned. It’s very uncomfortable for me to not even know whether or not he’s going to be in town, if we’re going to hang out, etc. Not because of him, but because schedules soothe me. They are predictable and I know what to expect. The underlying roots of this are actually one of the things I’m working on with my counselor.
The real reason my schedule-making hasn’t had the soothing effect I’m used to getting is that now that I realize why it is that I do it. I also realize that becoming upset when things don’t go according to plan and sticking to it for the sake of sticking to it are just manifestations of a perceived threat, that threat being inconsistency and instability, which are not actually present in my life.
Looking back at a post from just a few months ago, I realize how far I’ve come. And that in itself soothes me.
since Date #4’s plans are never settled, I don’t feel settled. If it were up to me, I would have everything through this weekend planned
with impulse locked in jail
i seldom chased my tail
but free i am
i fail to plan
fear quips i plan to fail
i once just walked outside and waited to be guided; the rest is history
I am pretty sure the BF and I are both borderline/mildly OCD for a variety of reasons, but we both keep online schedules on yahoo that the other person can view and modify so we not only know what each other is doing, but also carve out blocks of time.
I LOVE scheduels and to-do lists. I even create them retroactively so I can list all the things I’ve already done and feel even more productive.
I totally, totally relate to this. Hubby, “The Oilman” is an outdoors kind of mechanical, not computer-technical guy and I of course live online. When we were dating, several states apart, planning meetings, reserving hotel rooms, etc. was not an optional part of our dating, so he begrudgingly had to commit. I would make little calendars in Photoshop of the next months activities as I’d like them to occur. LOL!!! SOMEONE has to be the planner, sometimes.
Buncha Virgos, the whole lot of you.
I’m exactly like your boyfriend, that is, I never have a schedule, I loosely plan things through the end of the current day only, and I’m wont to change plans at the last minute. It’s the Gemini way. Rigidity is anathema to us.
@anonymous: Who are you masked poet??
@honey: Oh my gawd, you just described what I never thought was possible. Does love like that exist?? I'm joking, of course. Man, it sounds like you lucked out. Then again, I sometimes appreciate that the BF gets me out of my comfort zone.
@kristi: Oooo, I don't know if I could pull off passing out a calendar. I wish, I wish.
@lance: Actually, I'm a Sagitarrius. I'm supposed to independent & spontaneous & fun-loving. I don't think that I am not those things… I have the ability to throw my plans out the window at a moment's notice. It's that I like making them. Btw, the BF is Virgo. There goes that theory!
@anonymous: Who are you masked poet??
across and right atlantic space
south african i’m born my place
should you fly down
detour cape town
masked poet shall reveal his face
just a fan of your blog; nothing more, nothing less
I am in love with my planner. It’s old-school, paper, Moleskine. I have gotten 3 other people I know to buy 1. My husband isn’t much of a planner, and actually procrastinates (which I do not). We take each other for what we are because those are two personality traits that are not changeable!
Not wanting to plan every minute of every day for the next month is one thing.
Not being sure at lunch time if he wants to come over that evening is something else entirely.
You didn’t mention any extenuating circumstance such as “I am waiting to hear from a client that I may have to do something for this evening”, so it sounds like the only thing he had to consider in this decision was whether or not he wanted to do it. That makes this is a simple little daily decision, and healthy personalities make them all the time with no problem. However, be aware – postponing these decisions is a favorite means of control for the passive aggressive personality. I speak from experience; been there, done that, took me too many years to realize what was happening. By refusing to commit to anything until the last minute they keep us hanging on, waiting from one breath to the next to see if they have finally made a decision. Slowly, eventually, liked getting sucked into a cult, we can end up paralyzed, our entire existence focused around waiting for that next decision, that next commitment.
How does that happen? If we wait for a bit and then ask them again for a decision (apparently you waited until lunch), or, worse, try to take the lead and make the decision, they begin to “let us know” that it is all our fault, that we are too controlling and pushy, that, to quote your blog, it is “just the difference in the way we live our lives”, and that it is our problem because (and this is my favorite) we choose to allow ourselves to be upset by the situation. In fact, it sounds like you are already convinced that you have a problem just because you would like to know if you need to cook supper or not. Don’t believe it for a second. Obviously I am making a snap judgment here based on this one blog and I could be totally off base, but answer this: How long did he make you wait? How late in the day did he finally make the decision? And did he voluntarily tell it to you or did you have to keep asking to pry it out of him?
I am an old hand now at spotting a PA, but for newbies here is one way to test for it. I’ll use your example as mine. You ask if he is coming over that evening and he says he isn’t sure. Tell him in that case you are going to go ahead and do (some activity). Make it an activity that he is not invited to join, such as getting a manicure or going shopping with a girlfriend. Do NOT say in that case you are going to go ahead and fix dinner and he can join you if he chooses. It must be an activity that excludes him. Then watch his reaction. If he maybe acts a little surprised but says oh, okay, that will give him the opportunity to do (some activity) on his own, then that is a good sign. If he frowns or hesitates or give other indications of being uncomfortable or, and this is a big red flag, says no, no, he will come over, run the other direction.
I hope your guy is the first kind and not the second, and that you are happy together. If he isn’t, don’t despair; the right kind of guy is still out there (I finally found mine) and this experience will give you better judgment for next time.
Holly, before you completely give up scheduling… WILL YOU TEACH ME?!?!?!?
I suck at scheduling, and am even worse at keeping a schedule, but I desperately need to be on one. Too much stuff happening… can’t keep up!
So pretty please, show me how to do it?
love, Monica
Thanks for your great article! It has been very insightful. I hope that you will continue posting your wisdom with us.