Lean into Your Fear
I used to be afraid of flying. Deathly afraid. Dear-god-I-might-throw-open-the-emergency-exit-before-takeoff, let-me-out-of-this-thing afraid.
It’s been 18 months since I’ve last flown. Before that, I got tanked to get on a plane. We’re talking lots of booze and pills to make it possible. Like, where-am-I-again drunk. Obviously, I don’t have that luxury anymore. And because I value my sobriety, I don’t have the luxury of taking a sweet little anti-anxiety pill any more either. That option went down with the ship.
So, I had to deal with my fear like a normal messed-up person. I went to therapy. My therapist told me something wonderful and amazing and completely rational.
Lean into your fear.
He told me when I was sitting on that flight and I got nervous to take a deep breath, take my left hand, put it on my right hand and pat it reassuringly. Then, he said, physically and mentally lean into your fear.
It worked.
Well, along with a few EMDR sessions. I don’t want to discount that. It was a combination of techniques that got me through this. But it got me thinking about fear, a common thread I’ve come to find in my problems in sobriety. I drank to cover up my fear, and without the drink, the majority of discomfort in my life comes from trying to avoid fear and other negative emotions.
But this isn’t just a common trait among alcoholics, I’ve found. I was just talking to a friend earlier who is in a lot of fear over a big decision in her life. And my life coach just published a post on Brazen Careerist about overcoming your fear to literally rock your life.
As young people, in particular, we’re learning how to recognize our fears and overcome them. This is one such way to do just that. Instead of running away from the things that frighten you, instead of avoiding the uncomfortable situation, instead of not looking into the unknown, lean into your fear.
Get on the airplane and face the fear. You’ll overcome it.
Take the leap and move to a foreign country. You’ll never regret it.
Ask your boss for a raise. You’ll thank yourself.
Have the conversation you’ve been afraid of. You’ll be a better person for it.
Take a deep breath. Pat your own hand reassuringly.
Lean into the fear.
Once you’ve looked into it, it will vanish. And you’ll see it for all it is – fear.
As a friend of mine says, kiss that monster on the nose.
I think that as young people we are not only learning to recognise our fear and overcome them but also trying as hard as we can to recognise and understand the things we do to sidestep our fears. I’m talking about trying to recognise the behavious we have (even little idiosyncracies) that we use to defend ourselves against our fears.
Whether you use humour, alcohol, friends you don’t genuinely care about or whether you do something because you’re afraid of what you will be without that activity.
I think the hardest part of leaning into your fears is learning about the things you do to avoid them, questioning whether you REALLY want to be doing that, then giving it up.
It’s incredibly hard but God, what an amazing feeling you receive when that understanding does come.
Thanks for the post Holly.
Once you’ve looked into it, it will vanish. And you’ll see it for all it is – fear.
deprive myself from something dear
irrationally consumed by fear
i talk to it
i make it split
the situation soon grow clear
i had a near-death experience once; i still feel fear, but nothing scares me
I enjoyed this post, Holly. I’ve found that, when it comes to my career, leaning into my fear…taking risks…has become my MO. It’s the only way to accomplish anything. Otherwise, conversely, I’m just paralyzed by the fear. And there’s nothing I like less than feeling trapped.
Most metaphors for getting over fear scare me, they generally make me think of jumping off cliffs.
I like your metaphor because I reminds me of something I learned while I was training for my first 5k.
While running flat I was told to keep a consistent pace, but when going uphill I was told to give myself some speed right before the incline, and lean into and attack the hill. It was my mantra- Attack the hill!
I think you are saying the same thing about fear. Once we lean into the hill (fear) we will soon find ourselves on top and then coasting down the other side.
Because I feel like I won’t take risks purely on my own, I put myself in situations that inherently force me to take a risk…like applying to a PhD program on the other side of the country or taking a job that I am missing some of the skill set for. It forces me to overcome fears in a structured environment.
Dude, whether or not I win your life coach’s contest, we should meet up for a coffee (tea for me!)when you are in Phoenix. Hooray!
I realized reading this post, the reason that your blog is special and different.
It’s that great mix and balance between our common problems and situations of both our personal and profesional life, that we all go through every day, what makes you blog unusual, Holly.
A lot of people has chosen to communicate the same thing, but you succeded, because it’s that “warmth” that you show, what makes us all readers identify ourselves with you and your story.
Keep up the great work.
Saludos,
Carlos
this is a great post and something i feel strongly about.
I was diagnosed with cancer last year at the age of 26, i have never felt so much fear.
I had to tackle it head on and I’m pleased to say I won.
Fear attacks us, it weakens and surrounds us.
Only through courage and tenacity can we overcome fear.
Congratulations for displaying those traits Holly, keep it up though, the battle is unfortunately never over.
James
Zen/By/Lunch
Really motivational. Keep it up.