Doing the Spiritual Dishes
It seems to be the nature of life that every now and then we are handed more than we think we can handle. Whether it’s one big thing or several small ones stacking up, everybody reaches their breaking point at some time or another. In those moments, we often just don’t know what to do with ourselves. We’re overwhelmed with emotion, with the weight of so much to deal with at once.
We know that eventually this will all pass, that the emotions will subside given time, but what is to be done right now? Isn’t there anything that can be done immediately?
The past few weeks have been difficult for me. I’m going through a break-up, my company laid off 10 percent of our workforce, and I’m oh-so impatiently awaiting medical test results. It seems like when it rains, it pours.
I’m doing everything there is to do – I keep myself busy, surround myself with friends and loved ones, try to extract what I’ve learned about myself, journal, pour myself into work and imagine a bright future. But I have too many moments when I just can’t do anything but burst into tears. The heartbreak is too great; the weight of everything is too much.
I went through very similar emotions when I first got sober. It was all so overwhelming, and when the loneliness became too much to bear I turned to a story a mentor told me. (Everything good I know I learned from someone much wiser than me!)
When she was having a particularly difficult time, she called her mentor and asked her what she ought to do. She was hysterical and went on and on about what she ought to do.
The woman on the other end of the line asked her calmly, “Are your dishes done?”
“What?” the distraught woman asked.
“Are your dishes clean?” the other woman repeated.
“No.”
“Go do your dishes and call me when you’ve finished.” She hung up the phone.
The woman did her dishes and called her mentor back.
“Do you feel better?” the woman asked.
“No,” the distraught woman replied.
“Is your laundry done?” the woman asked.
“No.”
“Go do your laundry and call me when you’ve finished.” She hung up the phone.
This went on for half the day. She did her dishes and laundry, swept and mopped, and dusted. At the end of it, the distraught woman looked around her clean house, finally calm.
The point? Sometimes there’s nothing that can be, or even should be done about the pain in our lives. Someone recently told me, “Holly, the only way is through.” Another wise person once told me that sometimes you just have to stand. There’s nothing to be done about the pain in our lives but to endure it until it passes.
None of us want to experience pain; it’s part of our biological make-up. We avoid pain because it is unpleasant. It is sometimes necessary, however, in order to grow. It’s been my experience that periods of pain directly precede periods of growth. There’s a correlation there. When we avoid it, when we try to cover it up, we often go too far. We’ll develop hardened hearts, character disorders, neuroses, or addictions.
When we can’t do anything to make the pain in our lives dissipate or even pass more quickly, the best thing we can do is to focus on what we can control – our physical environment. I sat in my ridiculously messy car yesterday and decided it was time to clean it. You see, I can’t do anything to fix my emotional messes right now. I have to go through them. But I need to do something, and what I can do is make my environment clean, calm and put-together, even if the rest of me isn’t.
“Doing the spiritual dishes,” as my friend calls it, is a way to distract us temporarily from discomfort and pain, as well as to improve our physical environment. A clean home or apartment will lend some much needed calm to a disquieted mind, whereas a disheveled physical environment will feed negatively into an already chaotic mental environment.
How do you get through the tough periods in life? What are your “spiritual dishes?”
Photo by quinn.anya via Flickr.
Sometimes pain can come from being forced out of our comfort zone (getting laid off is painful and being unemployed is not a comfort zone many people are okay with) but when you leave your comfort zone you grow.
I clean when I’m upset also, it is good therapy. I hope everything goes okay with your test results and things start looking up!
It’s because posts like these that i get excited when that rss feed shows you wrote something new.
Great post. Always nice reading you Holly.
What a post to wake up to on GReader.
For me, dealing with pain is letting it wash over me and carefully studying the process. I usually learn better after I’m hurt once or twice. Until then I keep trying to build and learn. Knowing that better things should and will come gets me through so I don’t focus on the past while I’m getting my butt kicked.
Pain is a part of life, and it’s when you try to avoid it that you end up running round in circles, sabotaging yourself or twisting yourself in knots.
You’ve been through pain before and you’ll go through it again. The simple and honest acknowledgement that you can deal with what life throws at you – and that the core of who you are will always be whole – can be a real comfort and can lighten the load as you go through it.
That’s where I am right now – I have a bout of post viral fatigue and adrenal fatigue that’s been going on since July and I’m just exhausted – physically and emotionally. Some things are slipping and some things are piling up in a heap, but I’m doing what I can and not beating myself up about the rest.
Funnily enough, I find that a spot of dusting and vacuuming really can work wonders – particularly when your head is a jumble of contrasting thoughts and emotions.
I can sit down afterwards and just be, without a cacophony surrounding me.
Last Wednesday/Thursday were rough for me. I realized that the semester is almost over and I have SO much to do. I had a horrible argument with the gf that left me sleepless and miserable, I haven’t been eating well or exercising and its freaking COLD outside.
I found myself staring at the ceiling at 5 am thinking about how my life is falling apart.
I calmly got up, did 3 loads of laundry, cleaned the kitchen, dining room and bathroom, and finally cleaned the stacks of some 50+ academic articles/books off the floor of the living room.
Not only did I feel better, I actually was able to have a productive conversation with the gf AND finish some work that I had been putting off.
Sometimes cleaning gives perspective and I know that for me, having a clean work environment promotes productivity.
I’ve been there – lots of times if I’m moping around, feeling lonely, I’ll force myself to do the dishes. And if I’m lucky, my mood picks up before I resort to vacuuming and dusting (I’m kidding, but sort of not)
Cleaning up, keeping busy, taking care of where you live – are all GREAT for feeling good about your life. I like your term “spiritual dishes”.
It reminds me about “Care of the Soul” by Thomas Moore.
@Jessica: Thanks, girl! Ironically, I'm not a very clean person… at all. I tend to be very messy. So, this works doubly well for me & always surprises me as to how much better I feel afterward!
@Carlos: Thanks! I haven't been much in the writing mood lately… been doing lots of spiritual dishes. LOL
@JR: I find that the initial shock & pain has to wear off before I'm ready to learn from a situation. Once I get through that initial spike, I can go over what happened & process it. In the meantime, I have to do something. But yeah, I think I'm finally getting to that point & I have to tell you, I am so relieved. I thought it would never wear off. Now, the real work begins.
@Steve: Man, I hope you feel better soon. It sounds like you're in a good place, though, mentally. I can really do a number on myself with "shoulds". I should be doing this, I should be doing that. If I can keep myself out of that, then I can pretty much make it through.
@Monica: Gotta love that multitasking. I know when I'm scrubbing a floor I'm not thinking a damn thing about the dirt. It's the problem I'm working out. The wheels in my head are spinning faster than any vacuum cleaner blades can! Glad you & the GF could work it out. So much of relationships are just working out how to resolve those little conflicts, it seems. My therapist always tells me that it's not our significant other we learn about – it's ourselves.
@dadshouse: I know exactly what you mean! I'm hoping my mood lifts before I have to clean my closet.
I also like that moping & mopping are so close in spelling. Coincidence?
Holly, your posts are always full of insights and epiphanies and I had a “eureka” moment today reading this one. It explains to me why, when things are most hectic or pressurized, that I almost obsessively feel the need to clean and organize my space. The exterior organization brings comfort and clarity and the act of tidying up provides a physical outlet when the psychic pain is great. It may be, as your friend says, a way to distract us from the pain. It may also be a way to feel some semblance of control when everything else feels so out of control. Holly, you are wise beyond your years. I wish you relief from your pain and comfort from knowing how much you help others. Remember, dear one, to be gentle with yourself. BenjaminBunny
I used to hate doing dishes as a kid – probably because it was a job where I had to wash dishes for 80 or more if I wanted to go skiing. But now I actually find it therapeutic; very helpful.
Going through those steep learning curves out of your comfort zone makes you better at it the next time. I’ve lost many jobs – none because of anything I did, but because the boss wanted to ‘make a change’ or ‘the budget was cut’ or some damn thing – but I found a resiliency through those adventures that I would not have previously known about.
It’s true: What doesn’t kill ya makes ya stronger.
I used to think I was procrastinating when I cleaned, but now I know I’m thinking. It just helps to be doing something physical while doing something mental. So, yeah, I do all the chores…and there’s always something that needs filing in my office…
That’s funny. I find cleaning to be a huge stress reliever. Try doing it in the nude! It’s liberating!
http://www.coffeefiltertodolist.com/2008/11/22/wordpress-oobi/
Nice post.
Funny comment. (S.M.) Ha. Cleaning in the nude!? I do like to dance around the house though, when no one is looking. I also like to put on my grubbies, and not care about the rest of the world. (No make up, what a stress reducer!)
I live with others who are not tidy, and it’s been getting me very down, especially when other stress is there too. I finally was able (after a year of frustration) to make a space of “neatness” in my own area (my bedroom slash study), and have very much enjoyed “retreating” from the world there, lately.
Still, I do laundry, and dishes, and “throwing stuff away” as much as possible. (I don’t do floors, but I can negotiate that away.)
I wanted to say something about going “through the pain.” I’ve heard this phrase many times over the years, and it’s finally beginning to make sense to me, in a feeling way. Thanks for the story about cleaning up, but more about the context of moving through life. (And yes, medical scares and relationship failures and job stresses do get, well, easier, over time … sort of.)
Still, the way you said it … “Sometimes there’s nothing that can be, or even should be done about the pain in our lives.” Ouch. That’s some important truth there, mostly about patience, for me.
I think it is less about doing nothing (although there’s merit in “letting go”) as it’s about moving on, re-focusing … on new goals, re-centering in general, and giving up on what didn’t work, but getting ready for the next thing, that will. All the while, honoring the past but preparing for the future.
Meanwhile, I do love folding warm laundry, in the winter time.
Cheers.
> But I have too many moments when I just can’t do anything but burst into tears.
This is normal Holly and when it happens, just put your whole being into crying. Fully feel the feelings of pain and let it out!
I've found that only when we fully experience the pain, will be overcome it. However, no one said that it'll be easy.
We all go through it. It is part of life.
I love the mentor story with spiritual dishes. Thank you for sharing.
It's true that by cleaning our living environment, not only does it keep us distracted from thinking about non-conducive thoughts, but also helps us find clarity and piece of mind.
"Our external state is a reflection of our inner state."
Every time I'm at a low point in my life, feeling completely crappy, and when I look up, my living space is always guaranteed to be disorganized, messy and dirty.
I know you'll get through this. … and coming out the other end a better (and stronger) person.
Great post Holly, I definitely needed to read this, thanks for sharing!
Holly,
I find a good long hike does wonders to clear the head. No phones, e-mail, crackberry to bother me. Just the sound of my feet hitting the dirt, leaves, rocks and splashing in the puddles. If it really hits (as it just has for me), if possible, I go kayaking. Just the calm blue water and the dipping of the paddles in the water and camping on the beach and having a fire to sit and think.
-Sam
that’s funny, i had just come from doing a particularly existential dishwashing when i read that post. you know either i’m some sore of emotial projection genuis, but it seems like everyone i know is rooting through some sort of intensely self serious skin shedding.
my suggestion would be to make yourself a psychedelically awesome breakfast, first thing.
green tea, lots of honey.
eggs, spinach, whatever you have, just lucidly concoct a good looking pile of eggs, wrap in something.
munch your way to the transcendence of the death of your own pendulous potential.
This post really speaks to me right now. My husband left 3 weeks ago for 6 months in Iraq as a contractor — something we thought he wouldn’t have to do again and I’m a mess. The only thing that really seems to calm my anxiety is cleaning. First the pantry, then the fridge, the whole kitchen, dusting the living room, our dresser, closet, and on and on. I’m afraid what happens when I run out! It is such a comfort.
This is a fantastic post.
I especially love the line: “Sometimes there’s nothing that can be, or even should be done about the pain in our lives.” How true.
Holly,
I love this post. I have wrtten one about Ironing Meditation on my blog. On coping strategies I have some fundamental ground rules for major crises (eg relationship break-ups) and then they drill down to those that are my sanity savers.
Major crisis:
~ no drinking or drugs (I tend to wallow in the bottom of my glass and smoking just makes me feel yuk).
~no sad music – bring on ABBA
~more exercise (no matter what the weather – weight loss & a great figure have always been one bonus of the pain for me)
~ making definite arrangements to go out with friends at least 2-3x a week and do more than let it become a moan&groanfest: so DOING something fun, fast, or frightening like the latest rollercoaster ride -that'll make you forget your woes for a few minutes and change the hormones around in your body – shake'm up anyway.
Other strategies include:
~meditation (afraid so…it works)
~Laughter Yoga (crazy but true – this is a classic "fake it until you make it" and the damn body can't tell the difference!!)
~going to the beach (it's always warm where I live & that salty air blows away my blues)
~craft or art (I'm a knitter so each sweater tells a story haha)
~writing: pain = poetry for me
~housework (not too much but so my house looks clean and uncluttered)
~learning something new that is also fun: no not MYOB or the couse your boss wants you to do…try bellydancing, line dancing, or making jewellery – girls you'll have something nice to wear and guys you'll have pressies to melt the next girl's heart.
And LAST BUT NOT LEAST I do volunteer work.
So glad I found this – thank you for posting it. it’s exactly what I needed to hear today.
Just found your blog through happiness-project(dot)com — great post! Thanks, I’ll be back.
Hi Holly
I stumbled across this and reading it made me feel better and less alone (we all have these moments eh, when everything feels too much and we dont feel understood) and now I feel peaceful again. Nothing has changed but my perspective.
Cool eh.
xx
I think Spiritual guidance is important to help make the right decisions and deal with our problems with a positive attitude, would like to recommend this live interview with Dr Gary Chapman. Listen to his advice on love and relationships in a personal, one on one podcast – http://www.bizymoms.com/books/love-is-a-verb/interviews.html and check out his new book “Love is a Verb” beautiful and inspiring true stories –
http://www.bizymoms.com/books/love-is-a-verb/index.html
there is a contest as well to win an autographed copy of his new book and to win a cash prize of $50.00 – http://www.bizymoms.com/books/love-is-a-verb/contest.html