5 Things Not to Say to People in a Health Crisis (and What to Say Instead)
Last week I underwent a surgery I had been hoping to avoid. It was a dark cloud hanging over my head for 6 months. It started with a test, a biopsy, an ineffective attempt to rev up my immune system and a surgery.
The past 6 months have been an emotional rollercoaster as I faced the possibility of cancer and potentially damaging my child-bearing abilities. I had an amazing amount of support, not only from my loved ones and friends, but also from my friends in the blogosphere.
Let me say first that there is no wrong way to support a friend. But a health crisis can send a person into an emotional tailspin of anger, fear and loneliness. Here are a few things I learned along the way.
Don’t say: Lots of people go through it.
When I heard this (which was often since lots of women do have this surgery), it made my feelings seem insignificant. While it is soothing to some degree to know that you’re not going into completely uncharted medical territory, it is the first time for you and it shouldn’t be trivialized.
Do say: Here’s the contact information for someone who has gone through it.
I can’t count how many times people told me they knew someone who had the same surgery and how she was fine. But that didn’t lessen my fears. Great. Someone, somewhere has come out OK. Doesn’t help.
A few days before my surgery, a woman called me and said that she’d had the same surgery, although it had been 20-someodd years since. She told me exactly what she went through, from beginning to the end. That was the first time I felt comfortable.
So much of what we fear as humans is simply the unknown. The more firsthand information I acquired, the more at ease I felt. After my surgery, a few more women stepped forward and said they’d had it also. I wished that they had done so earlier.
Don’t say: There are people who’ve gone through worse.
I heard this a few times, and when I did, it made feel like total crap. Not only was I (still) facing surgery, but here I am feeling sorry for myself while children in Africa are dying of hunger and disease. Thanks for the helping of guilt – it goes great with my anxiety and fear.
Do say: Let me share my experience going through something worse.
Unless you’re the person who has gone through something worse, I wouldn’t touch this one. If you can’t offer sympathy, don’t offer guilt in its place. If you have faced a bigger challenge, then please share your experience.
An older gentleman friend of mine faced (and beat) cancer three times. Another girlfriend beat a brain tumor. Two of my aunts have in recent years survived breast and brain cancer. Having watched these people walk through their ordeals with grace and talked to them about their fears, where they found strength and courage, and how they coped, were invaluable lessons.
Don’t say: Keep your chin up.
The thing about clichés is that we don’t hear their meanings anymore. Our mind sort of glosses over them because we’ve heard them so much. Besides, who wants to keep their metaphorical chin up when they feel a punch coming?
Do say: Keep your shoulders back.
This is a challenge you’re facing, and you should be in full-on attack mode. It was hard to feel self-pity, sadness, fear, or weakness when I remembered to physically round my shoulders back and down. It made me feel strong, powerful, like I was ready for a fight. It’s sort of like the moment a runner laces her shoes up – her body is ready for the run. By keeping my shoulders back, I was ready to face my challenges head-on.
Don’t say: Don’t worry.
I know this is what people say when they’re searching for the right thing to say and it just isn’t coming. People who love us desperately want to see us feeling better, faster. And it seems like anytime someone said this to me, they were willing it with all their might to take the worry away from me. But someone in a crisis is going to worry. I felt like people were trying to shut me up sometimes, like closing their eyes to an ugly house in the neighborhood.
Do say: Tell me what you’re worried about.
I realize that my loved ones don’t want to think about the worst-case scenarios anymore than I do, but I needed to talk about what I was worried about. Would it be cancer? What if I can’t have children? What if something goes wrong in the surgery?
One of my tricks for beating fear is naming the monster. I ask myself what the worst-case scenario outcome is. That usually takes the fangs off a fear. I needed to be able to do that with someone close to me, to get it off my chest. My moods were so effected by my fears, that I would burst into tears at the breakfast table. “Don’t worry” ain’t gonna fix that. Talking it through will.
Don’t say: Everything will be fine.
This is a lot like “don’t worry” in that I think people say it when they have nothing else to say. I usually just sort of shook my head in agreement or mumbled a thank-you. It just doesn’t really say anything.
Do say: I’m praying for you, or I’m holding you in my thoughts.
While “you’re in my prayers/thoughts” sounds kind of clichéd, this is probably one of the things that warmed my heart the most and actually made me feel better when people said it. It told me that they cared, were thinking about me, and were offering to do the one thing they could actually do – pray for my well-being or send “good vibes” my way.
Even when I was an atheist, I welcomed people’s prayers in a crisis. I took a class in college about the mind-body connection and read about studies in which cancer patients who had an assigned prayer group praying for them survived at higher rates than control groups that did not have a prayer group. I believe in the power of lots of people sending positive thoughts and wishes for you into the universe.
My rollercoaster ended on Monday when my doctor declared me cancer-free. If I can learn to remove the stress in my life, I’ll (hopefully) never have to face it again. But that’s another post…
Photo courtesy My Lyn via Flickr.
Hmmm…I did say “Don’t worry” a coupla’ times, but I did pray for you on that day, so we’re even!
Glad you’re feeling better Holly!
Nicely said, Holly (and I’m so glad that you’re doing well — now enough with all that stress!)
I think with a lot of these situations, people on the other side feel a little helpless: they want to fix things but they can’t and so they use words to kind of express their well wishes to you the best way that they can. And it doesn’t always turn out so well and may inadvertently do more emotional harm than good, as you unfortunately experienced.
I think you’re right — there isn’t a “wrong way to support a friend,” but the right words can maybe make the difference.
I’m so, so glad that you’re doing well and wish you the very best.
I thank you for writing your blog
regarding what not to say!
I have been living with my Wife who
was a 3C Ovarian Cancer 6 years ago.
She has had 2 major operations/being
with her is a roller coaster ride\
emotionally for her and also for me.
Her older Sister Passed away from these 8 years ago and at that time
my wife was under the care of an
Oncology group.
Sometimes it is just difficult to
talk with her regarding anything!
I have taken caregiver courses and
try my best to say the appropriate
things to her.
Thanks,
Marc Mintz
Some really great guidance for those looking to comfort a loved one or friend going through a tough time. I recently lost my father to cancer and this guidance would have definitely helped those that struggled with what to say.
Take care Holly.
Congratulations! And great post. When my mom was sick with (and eventually died from) cancer, I could tell people felt awkward around us and they didn’t know what to say.
It’s natural and unless you’ve been through it’s impossible to know what to say, but we’re human, so we figure we have to fill the silence with words.
It wasn’t until long after she passed that I had the guts to tell people things like this, but I wish I had from the start. Perhaps they would have actually been able to help us through our grief, and maybe I would have resented them less for that short while.
I am pretty sure I had the same surgery – it was uncomfortable but I have not had any problems since! I guess it was probably 7 years ago at least and everything’s been in the clear since.
Thank you for writing this. For every single person who tells me “I don’t know what to say,” I will direct them to this post.
Fuck cancer!
People do say some dumb things. I remember one girl with cancer saying people were complementing her on her weight loss and it was due to chemo. Keep your head up and stay positive.
Thanks for this post! Great stuff!
You can read my blog at http://sundijo.wordpress.com/
Holly – I am so glad that you got good news from your doctor and sorry that you had to deal with so much stress and worry…It’s great that you are able to specifically offer advice for people who often don’t know what to say. I think this advice is so helpful, especially when it is so well written and direct.
All the best of luck trying to remove stress from your life…That is more than a blog post – it’s a best selling book if you can figure it out!
Take care!
The last one, “I’m praying for you/I’m holding you in my thoughts” is one that generally I’d say is one of the most overused and overrated phrases on earth. However, much like when people who claim to be pro-life say “Well, if it happened to me it’d be different!!” I’m sure if I was in your situation, hearing something like this would actually be quite soothing. This is some tender prose, H2….keep it up.
Sometimes support needs no words that said. Your post said it nicely.
It’s so easy to fall into those cliches, simply because people don’t want to end up saying the wrong things.
Running the risk of sounding cliched, I hope you’re feeling better and I’ll send a couple of hugs in the mail.
Been through two life-changing surgeries and health crisis. You will come out stronger and braver. Believe me, what you’ve said in this post is absolutely accurate. Hang tough, and know you are so strong now and will be stronger as each day passes. Trust me.
Let those around you carry you thru the tough days, know any/all emotions are acceptable and so are the mood swings that accompany them, give yourself the chance to just be.
So Godspeed, prayers, and many thoughts are yours. Feel free to shoot me an email and I’ll give you the deets about my journey. Happy to pay it forward, Holly.
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