Recently my career life has taken off in unexpected ways. I got a raise at work. My IT consultancy has a steady, dedicated customer, and plans for increasing the client base are going well. My blog site, WorkLoveLife.com, has skyrocketed within the past two weeks, with traffic increasing exponentially.

I was riding a huge wave, and suddenly I exuded confidence in a way I never have. My newfound success gave me a sense of poise that spilled over into other areas of my life. Why not upgrade to a nicer apartment on the beach when my lease is up in a month? I’ve earned it. Why not gun forward on that project at work? I know it will work.

Here’s a not-so-secretive secret about confidence. Not only does it dramatically increase your odds of getting what you want, but it does wonders for your sex life. Self-confidence is sexy. Someone who knows what she or he wants and goes after it is, well, hot. There are no two ways about it.

I read a blog recently about why you actually want to date a player (hat tip: HoneyAndLance). A lot of it has to do with self-confidence. I have to admit by the end of the post I realized that the guy I’ve been seeing is sort of a player. And I like it. I love that he’s confident, self-assured and comfortable in social situations.

I didn’t make the correlation between career and sexual confidence until recently. Given the number of deaths and illnesses in my life recently, let’s just say I haven’t exactly been feeling it. Something snapped on Saturday though. After looking at a fabulous 1-bedroom condo on the beach and deciding to take it, I was riding high. I went shopping and after realizing that all the running had paid off in the loss of both a jean size and a shirt size, I asked myself why I shouldn’t go all out on the weekly Saturday night dance-a-thon. Some cherry-red lipgloss and a new pair of jeans later, I knew I was looking good. More than that, I was feeling good. I was rocking it.

One problem. The guy I was seeing said earlier that day he wasn’t game for going out. Exuding a confidence he was unaccustomed to seeing in me, I messaged him: “You should reconsider. I’m looking pretty damn good tonight.” Some more flirty text messaging ensued (totally out-of-character for me), and before long I had him: “We’re on our way.”

Don’t feel too bad for him. He knew what I was up to from text message #1. That didn’t matter – what got him was the surprising new attitude I wore. It was clear that I knew what I wanted that night and that I went after it. It was a turn on, not just for him, but for me too. I wasn’t nervous, anxious, distracted, or busy trying to decipher whether or not he was thinking the same thing I was. I had my eyes on the prize.

The interesting thing is that I always thought that this wasn’t part of my make-up. That in order to be one of those sexy, confident women, I would have to act, play a part. The truth is nothing has come more naturally.

A warning here. It goes without saying that over-confidence is decidedly unsexy. Take it too far and you’ll come off arrogant, stuck-up, better-than or all of the above. Not hot.

I am an audiobibliophile, a lover of audio books. It didn’t always used to be this way. I used to be your average, run-of-the-mill book junkie. Then I ran out of time to read. So I did what any good junkie does – I adapted.

It started just a few months ago. While reading “Rich Woman,” I was turned on to the Rich Dad Poor Dad series. I enjoyed “Rich Woman” so much that I wanted to pick up something else. The problem was that with my job, my burgeoning entrepreneurial efforts and my newfound love of running eating up more and more of my time, I was losing time for reading.

I was also finding it difficult to concentrate and focus. If I tried reading at home, I would fall asleep (lame!). I couldn’t read on the treadmill (too much bounce). Finally, my vestige the coffee shop would eventually fail me, too, as I would find myself more interested in journaling, sketching business plans or working on the blog. My love, my passion was falling to the wayside.

Aside from reading for the sheer pleasure of it, I am a known neophile. I love new things – new activities, new places, new foods, and most importantly, new ideas. I’ve had a profound love of learning since I was little. I probably scared my parents half-dead when I announced at 16 that I planned to be a professional student. That didn’t happen per se, but I like to think of myself as a student of life, always willing to learn what life has to dish out.

All this stops if I can’t read. I must consume new ideas. It’s like oxygen. So, time-starved and apparently suffocating sometime in January, the audio book entered my life in a big way. I started small with “Retire Young, Retire Rich” by Robert Kiyosaki (another Rich Dad Poor Dad book). It was only three hours, but I figured, geez, how long do I really spend in the car? Apparently a lot of time. I finished that bad boy in three or four days. So I listened to it again to make sure I had absorbed it all.

From there, it spiraled. I have a friend who introduced me to audio books who listens to them too, so we swap them back and forth. Sometimes I just listen to the CDs, but sometimes I rip them into my library and put them on my iPod. Now I can read and jog at the same time. No problem.

This is an important productivity tool for me. I simply do not have the time I used to have to read, but I do have plenty of gaps in my schedule where I am not necessarily doing something that requires sustained intellectual effort, like driving or jogging. We cannot simply let the things we love drop off because we don’t have time for them anymore. We adapt, we change, and we learn to get both when seemingly given a choice between two options.

Tips for productively using audio books:
· Get non-fiction. This seems like a no-brainer to me. Unless you have absolutely no time for fiction and need it, then I suggest going on a strict non-fiction audio diet. Get your learn on.

· Get something you’re interested in, otherwise you’ll get bored. Instead of being invigorated by your audio experience, you’ll be snoozing. I’m a fan of quasi-inspirational material, like “Good to Great.”

· Take recommendations. If you have friends who have similar passions, pursuits, goals and/or tastes, hit them up for some suggestions. Remember, they don’t have to be recommendations for audio books.

· Borrow and buy used. Audio books are expense. I can sink $75 in one trip to Barnes & Noble on just two audio books. I like to swap with friends, buy used or at discount.

I recently got a question from a reader and responded to it. It clarifies some of my thoughts related to relationships, ambition and organization, so I thought I would share it here.

Question:
“Just curious, are you secretly one day hoping for some man of your dreams character to come along and throw you off your schedule and change your life? Or do you ever feel like maybe you’re organizing your life too much? I’m not saying you are, but a lot of the blog is organizing your life, and though you’re not there now, it seems like you might progressively become a schedule book. Sometimes I want to become a schedule book, but just so I can break out of it.”

Answer:
“Hmm… No, I don’t secretly want a man to throw me off my path. As a matter of fact, the past few months I’ve become rather relationship phobic. I would say that I’m afraid someone will throw me off, but I’m not afraid of it because I know I wouldn’t let it happen.

I schedule my time, but I schedule it so that I can fit in all the things that I love doing. When I was doing it without a schedule, I felt crazed and time-starved constantly. The fun things were falling to the wayside because I was running around distracted.

I leave big gaps in my schedule. Sunday, for example, has just a few items: run, write blogs, post blog. None of them have set times, it’s more a loose to-do list. I fully intend to spend most of that day on the beach with my iPod, some Jack Johnson and a book (which will probably be used more as a pillow than for reading). And I shall eat strawberries and wonder what the poor people are doing (i.e. people in snow, not near water, etc.).

I understand what you mean though. I used to come up with schedules in college just so I could rebel against them – it made me feel spontaneous to be at Wal-Mart buying hula hoops at 1 am when I should have been writing my Vonnegut paper.

That you would consider someone to be rescuing you from your scheduled self makes me think that you don’t enjoy schedules in the first place. Some people work well with highly-organized agendas, like me. I’m a terribly disorganized person in reality (you should see my apartment), so people marvel when they see my color-coded planner with my entire week neatly arranged. 

Why? Because I couldn’t freakin’ remember to do ANY of it if I didn’t do this. If I were naturally organized and prompt, I wouldn’t need multiple alarm clocks, a color-coded organization system, and e-mail reminders. If I were a naturally focused person, I wouldn’t need productivity methods. I am simply a person who knows 1. her weaknesses, and 2. what she needs to do to accomplish her goals.

Do I want someone to rescue me? No. Do I want someone to share my beach blanket and smile back when I wonder what the poor people are doing? Sure. Do I want someone to sympathize with me when I get done with an 18-hour day? Absolutely. But I want someone who respects me enough to know that what I do is important to me and who supports me in it, who believes that I can do it – not someone who wants to ‘take me away from it all.’ 

I enjoy my life, so immensely. It’s full, it’s productive; readers (some friends, but mostly strangers) e-mail me and say what I’m writing is making a difference. That’s why I do this. This is worth it to me. I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

On a recent road trip, I listened to “The Four-Hour Work Week” to make the most of my time. Now, I’m no productivity junkie (I’ve seen those people – it’s hilarious to watch how unproductive they are), but Ferriss had some ideas I found easy to put into action immediately. His concept of batching in particular has been useful for solving a problem I’ve been having lately with focus.

Ferriss uses the analogy of how T-shirts are batched, or produced in quantity at once, at screen printers. He recommends applying this concept to regular tasks you face at work; such as checking e-mail and voicemail only twice a day at specified times. By batching you save time because you are not stopping in the middle of one task to read and answer e-mail or the phone, throwing your focus off of the task you were working on.

Here’s what my new auto-response is on my e-mail: “Due to the volume of projects I currently have, I will only be answering e-mails at 11 am and 4 pm daily. If you have a time-sensitive, urgent matter, please call me at 555-5555. Thank you and have a great day.”

I don’t pick up the phone when it rings as a rule. My voicemail goes: “You’ve reached Holly, blah blah manager at XYZ. Due to the volume of projects I currently have, I am checking voicemail at 11 am and 4 pm daily. If you have an urgent, time-sensitive matter, please call my cell phone at 444-4444.”

This has actually been working. As a matter of fact, some of my coworkers actually apologize when they do get ahold of me saying, “We all know you’re busy, but I’m having problems with X.” This method forces them to be specific with their requests, using less of your precious time.

I have been able to apply this to other areas, as well. I started batching things for this blog, for example. On Sundays, I set time aside to write all of my posts for the upcoming week. This has been particularly effective. It can take me a while to get into the creative mindset I need to write, and it’s not very efficient to take 15 or 20 minutes to get there and quit after just one post. So, I write three or four on Sunday and don’t write any more during the rest of the week.

I have also batched responding to comments and e-mails regarding the site. I do that on Tuesday, Thursday and Sundays. Scheduling it has allowed me to keep up with it on a regular basis and to be consistent with readers. On Wednesdays, I respond to other blogs I have read and e-mail or network with other bloggers. Again, this has helped with regularity and consistency. It also ensures that I’m not up at midnight reading and responding to blogs every night when I ought to be sleeping.

What can you batch?

I recently acquired a second job in addition to my regular 8-5 corporate job. It was meant to accomplish two things: 1. Give me practical experience in the field in which I aim to start a business one day, and 2. Give me a little extra income to put toward savings for a house and investments.

I thought long and hard before deciding to take on a second job. Would I be able to handle the hours out of my social life and other entrepreneurial ventures? What toll would it take on my primary job/career? Were my reasons solid enough to keep me interested and motivated when I got tired and missed the beach?

It’s important to understand that my second job was not driven by the second reason – additional income. In “Rich Woman,” Kim Kiyosaki talks about finding your Why, the thing that is going to keep you going when you want to give up, when you want to be a ‘normal’ person instead of spending all of your free time like some kind of freak who has two jobs and two companies to run. Ahem…

My Why in this case is establishing my own coffee bar. I never imagined I could ever do anything so bold as owning my own café, but one fateful encounter brought me to the realization that given the right Why, I am capable of almost anything. And while I feel that my Why is a very strong one, I found myself burnt out and near tears at the end of my second weekend of my new job, screaming in my head that today will be the last day I work here.

Luckily for me, one of the other cafés I had applied to at the same time as Job A called me for an interview. I rushed from the end of my shift to the interview. This new place was heaven. It was exactly what I had wanted in the other job but wasn’t getting. The owner sat in on the interview and got excited as I answered the “What is your defining characteristic or passion?” question promptly and firmly: “Entrepreneurship.”

This was the ideal situation. The owners were starting this shop from scratch after they dreamed about it for a year or two. They were excited to take me under their wings and show me what they did and were doing. The shop also hadn’t opened yet, so I got to see everything from the ground up. I have been trained on all elements of the business, whereas the other job had me working only in one area, and it had nothing to do with coffee. Bonus: They were completely understanding and sensitive to me having a full-time job and the need to have a weekend day off (I could only work 7-hour shifts every weekend day at the other café).

Establish your Why
It is crucial that you have a rock-solid Why before you go into a second job. Ask yourself what you want to accomplish with your new job. Are you trying to gain experience to add to your resume or for a future endeavor? Are you working for additional income? If so, establish a really great Why for how you intend to use the money you make from it. Your free time is worth a lot, and most part-time jobs aren’t going to pay a lot. There has to be a bigger pay-off besides money. If you are saving for a new home or for an investment, then establish this as your Why.

Use your Why when the going gets tough
Even with the new, totally amazing job that I love, love, love, I still get tired. When it’s Saturday midnight and I’m finishing my shift for the second night in a row, I think about my girlfriends and how they are probably out dancing after a day at the beach. As I start down that slippery slope I close my eyes and conjure up images of my own future café. I picture my employees, my couches, me chatting up the regulars. I throw in the added bonus of imagining leaving my café and going home to that house I’m saving up for from the additional income. Once I’m home and in bed, I know I wouldn’t be happy doing it any other way.

Define what you want from your second job
What days and hours do you want to work? Exactly what functions would you like to be serving and what role would you like to be in? Define the ideal situation before you go into it so that you can gauge whether or not the position is going to benefit you. The problem I had with Job A wasn’t that my Why wasn’t strong enough; the problem was that the hours didn’t work for me and I wasn’t learning anything beneficial for my end goal. When I saw Job B, I knew right away it was what I wanted. I didn’t need the first one; I would’ve quit it whether or not the other place I offered me a position.

Don’t over-commit yourself
If I were being realistic when I accepted Job A, I would’ve realized that working Saturdays and Sundays 8-4 on top of my Monday-Friday 8-5 wasn’t going to work out well. By the end of the second week I was exhausted and a crazed mess. All I did for those two weeks was come home from whichever job and try to get up the energy to do laundry, dishes, etc. I wasn’t eating properly, I was skipping workouts, and I was skimping on my personal life big time. I was so unhappy, and everyone could see it. Job B allows me to work shifts on weekday evenings and will schedule me for only one weekend day because they agreed with me when I said if I didn’t have one day off I would “go nuts.”

Don’t waste your precious time, but don’t give up
If you simply are not getting what you want out of your second job, leave it. Your free time is too precious to waste. Just be honest with yourself – don’t leave a second job if it’s benefiting you just because you want to hit the bar more often. Most people go through life sleeping; the ones who are awake live in a constant state of amazement. Don’t be content with the status quo – that’s sleeping. You’ll know deep down whether or not it’s worth it. I knew Job A was without a doubt a major waste of my spare time. I had such a strong feeling about Job B, however, that it almost felt kismet that it appeared when it did. I think you’ll know, but if you aren’t sure, give it a shot and quit if it’s not what you wanted.

If money is your Why…
If your Why is the additional income a second job will generate, I have a few suggestions for making it work. Put all of it toward your goal. It can be tempting to splurge on all those little things you’ve been denied based on your regular salary. Don’t give in. A few weeks into it you’ll lose your drive because you can’t see it adding up.

Set up a separate account for this new income. If possible set up a direct deposit for that paycheck into a savings account instead of your checking account. I use ING for my savings instead of my regular bank because it has a higher interest rate and it’s not as convenient to withdrawal from (I am often tempted when I get low on cash to dip into my savings, so ING’s 2-3 day withdrawal time is key for me).

Finally, put some kind of visual reminder of where that money is going somewhere where you’ll see it everyday. This will not only keeping you m
otivated, but it will keep you from spending it on a new set of plates you don’t need from Pier 1.

First, let me admit that I talked about asking for a raise for about two months before I finally got the cojones to actually do it. But that’s sort of how I operate. I like to think I’m improving though.

It all started back around the end of December when I decided I wanted to buy a house. I got in touch with a friend of a friend who is a mortgage broker and we went over my financials.

Mortgage broker: ‘Holly, your DTI [debt-to-income ratio] is simply too high. You do not spend frivolously. I do not see how you could lower your debt much either. You simply do not make enough. Can you ask for a raise?’
Me: ‘Oh, yeah. Let me just go run and ask my boss for a raise and say my mortgage broker said I need it. That’s what I’ve been waiting for.’

I spent a good few weeks feeling hopeless, dejected and trying to figure out how to lower my debt, assuming that a raise was out of the question. As I struggled to find ways to lower my debt, I became frustrated and began to wonder just how little I made… Less than most dental hygenists it turned out. Less than the lower 10 percent of my profession in my state it turned out. Talk about a heightened sense of frustration.

From there I timidly started throwing out the idea to my closest friends: “I’m thinking about asking for a raise,” I’d say casually. And, seeing as I have the best friends in the whole world, all of them said, “Right on! You should! You deserve more!” Thanks, guys.

Then, I told two of my accountability partners. “I’m doing it on Monday,” I swore to my self-imposed bullshit-callers. Then, Monday evening I had to explain to them why I didn’t. A dozen lame excuses later, I realized the only one who was suffering bad pay was me.

I did a little bit of research online, but honestly unless you’ve never asked for a raise before, don’t really have a valid reason to do so, or don’t have a parent or mentor to explain it to you, then this is a waste of time. I didn’t learn anything I didn’t already know, and all it did was give me a way to put off what I didn’t want to do. So one morning, armed with notes and government labor statistics, I meekly asked my boss if he had a minute.

I opened the conversation with a comment on not really knowing how raises worked (not quite true – I was very familiar with my company’s policies, which I highly recommend you know before going in), but that I had passed my six-month mark with no evaluation. He replied that raises usually came at the one year mark and in the form of 2-3 percent. Was this what I was looking for, he asked. Well, I replied, I was looking for something a little more substantial and pointed out the industry and market stats I had (briefly and in one easy sentence – no one wants to hear your research paper on the subject). He said he wasn’t sure what he could do, but that I was definitely on track for the small yearly bump.

Rejection. I went in the office bathroom and forced myself to suck back the tears. You’re a grown-up, for crying out loud, I told myself, and hey, at least you asked. Time to look for a new job, I thought. Bummer. I like my job, but nothing will stand in the way of me achieving my own home.

Imagine my surprise two days later when my boss asks me if I have a minute. Here’s what I’ll do for you, he says. Something close to the sum I was hoping for, plus my yearly bump when I get there. Hurrah! Take that soft economy and you financial naysayers! I visited the bathroom again, this time to do a little dance.

So what it did it really take to get my raise? The balls to ask for it. Show up and suit up, and stuff happens. Not showing up because you’re assuming you’ll lose is ridiculous. Know what you want, know what you’re worth and ask for it, politely and informed, and be prepared for one of three answers: yes, no or maybe. You don’t have to demand or threaten to quit. The worst that can happen is they say no or I don’t know. Hey, I’ve been there and it’s still worth it.

No harm in asking.

Like Linus, the Peanuts character whose blue blankie is ever-present, so I am with my tan-and-black workbag. It contains whatever two or three books I’m reading (currently Eat Pray Love, Rich Dad Poor Dad, and E-Myth), my planner, two journals (one personal and one career-related), pens, pencils, highlighters, and all the lovely little things that go in a normal purse.

I lug it around with me everywhere. I get razzed endlessly by my friends, family, or whoever else is around to be embarrassed by what is clearly too large and inappropriate for the movies, a restaurant, or shopping. “What do you need all that for?” is a frequently-asked question.

What do I need it all for? Well, just in case. In case of what? In case I have a free moment. In case I end up somewhere alone. Just in case.

So, here I am in my hometown of Pensacola for my grandfather’s funeral, lugging around my bag of work gear endlessly, not getting anything done. I have nothing to do. My work stuff is all at the office. Staying with relatives means no Internet (slinking away from relations for a daily dose of coffee and Internet seems addict-like), so I can’t work on the blog. Endless chaos and noise and relatives you’ve not seen for years do not make for an environment conducive to reading or journaling. So, my bag is useless.

Which means I CAN’T WORK. For some reason, this has me geeking out more than anything. I have no routine. All of my pet projects, all of my entrepreneurial endeavors, everything that has defined my waking (and sometimes sleeping) life is unavailable to me. A big gaping hole of non-productivity – that’s what I feel like. It’s like an itch that can’t be scratched. I guess the real problem is that I want to be back in my life.

In reality, I simply don’t want to be here – not here in Pensacola or at my grandfather’s funeral. I don’t want to be going through this.

I don’t think that it’s uncommon to use work as a security blanket. Often times, we simply don’t want to deal with the big emotional things looming larger than life – surely updating the margin widths of my website is of the utmost importance. Hmm…

I won’t go on a lengthy diatribe about how detrimental a workaholic attitude (the use of work as a way to not deal with emotional pain) can be. We know that it ruins marriages, families, relationships, and friendships, and can lead to even bigger isms (alcoholism, obsessive compulsive disorder, depression). It also doesn’t get you anywhere.

Someone once told me that painful things will happen in life and you’ll have an overwhelming urge to do something, anything about it. You will be frantic trying to find a way to fix it, to plug the hole through which emotion is flowing, like the Dutch boy with his finger in a dam. Unfortunately, we come across situations that we can’t do anything about. There is simply nothing to be done about losing two people you care very much about in less than two weeks. There is nothing to be done about 12-hour drives, crazy families and heartache. The only thing you can do is feel the pain. All you can do is simply stand.

I don’t really know how I made it through actually. I can tell you that I feel somehow stronger knowing that I came through all of it without any crutches. I know I can survive almost anything. Asking for a raise no longer seems like the earth-shattering event it was three weeks ago. The thought of not seeing that guy anymore is no longer life-altering. Everything seems somehow smaller, paltry. I know I weather any unexpected storm. I know I can stand.

Stand undeterred.

If you had told me three months ago what I would be doing tomorrow, I wouldn’t have believed you.

A few months ago, my life took an unexpected turn. I was on a second date, which happened also to be my 26th birthday, and he asked me where I saw myself in 10 years. I had no answer. Stumped and on the spot, I had to admit that I wasn’t really sure.

Ouch. For one thing, I knew that wasn’t a good thing for a date. More importantly, I couldn’t believe I didn’t have any idea where I wanted to be in 10 years. I mean, this is standard stuff, stuff I would’ve had figured out if you had asked me a year ago. But since my life was turned upside down last April, I had been focusing so much on my day-to-day being that I hadn’t been thinking about my future.

I thought about it a lot the following couple of days. I asked myself a lot of questions as I spaced out at work staring at my computer screen. I asked myself what I would do if I had no boundaries, no limits, if money wasn’t a factor. 

The answer was instantaneous. I would open a coffee bar. I had dreamed secretly of owning a coffee bar since I was in high school, but I had never considered it a possibility. Owning a business was something other people did, not me. I couldn’t; I wouldn’t know how, I always figured.

But then I thought, why not me? Why couldn’t I do the thing I had always dreamed of doing, but dared not pursue?

That one date, that one question set me on the path I am on today. I bought a copy of Ladies Who Launch and began to define my dream. I learned how to dream even bigger, to flesh out my plans, to become comfortable with speaking about my dream. I even named it and registered the domain for a future website.

Then I was poking through the bookstore again when someone recommended The E-Myth Revisited to me. I started reading it and realized how little I knew about my intended business despite having worked at two cafes. So, I applied for weekend positions at Starbucks and a couple of the local independents.

Tomorrow is my first day at one of those cafes. Tomorrow will be the most concrete step I’ve taken since I started allowing myself to believe that I can do this. Sometimes I pick my head up from my unbelievably busy life and take a look around. I can’t believe how much I’ve been able to accomplish in the past couple of months.

Oh, and I still got the third date.

Dream big. Baby step.